My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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