my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
