the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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