when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize