my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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