If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
