Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize