Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Randomize
