I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
