Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
