guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize