Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
last night I used snow as a chaser
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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