If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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