Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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