I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
