yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
