tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
