I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
