She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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