It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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