he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
did i just pee glitter
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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