the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
