carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize