I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
