I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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