I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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