Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
