So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
