i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
