So drunk its hurt
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
