I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize