i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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