Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
