you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
