Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm passing your future prison.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
