The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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