I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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