i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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