Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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