You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
tell me about the eggs
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
