I need to stop coming to work sober
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
