So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize