So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
