so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
