Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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