I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
