theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
