there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
