Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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