it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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