OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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