8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
