eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
