I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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